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November 08, 2010

As an iPhone app developer, I initially misread the Subject: line of an email message:

Subject: Applications via Phone

My brain turned it into "Applications via iPhone", which was strange enough. What this message was trying to convey, however, was that a company was opening up an application period for a program that would help me earn (yah!) a university degree with transcripts. The message contained so much crap that I thought I'd repeat its body here along with my annotations [in brackets].

eAdult Education
[Oh, that famous university?]
Phone Applications are beginning Monday November 8th.
[Oooh, that's today. Wow, how lucky. Now, you wouldn't just be filling in the date via a wildcard in your email template, would you?]

Our Educational Advancement program is once again being offered to select applicants.
[Again, I'm lucky to get invited to be a select applicant...along with the other 10 million recipients of this message.]
This program will earn you a QUALIFIED degree w/ transcripts.
[You know, "qualified" has a few meanings. One of them is: "make (a statement or assertion) less absolute; add reservations to". Hmmm.]

APPLICANT QUALIFICATIONS:
-Must have previous work experience/knowledge in degree of choice.
[That way, if I can trick my prospective employer into believing my bogus degree is valid, I can bullshit my way through the interview with a few buzzwords.]
-Must be at least 25 years of age.
[Doogie Howsers of the world need not apply. No chemical engineering degrees given to 17-year olds.]

PROGRAM DETAILS:
Accepted applicants will obtain a fully qualified university degree within a 4 to 6 week period.
[I hope they don't lose my paperwork and set up business elsewhere during that period.]
Transcripts and other supporting materials will be included.
[I can really visualize my transcripts. Sugar plums are dancing in my head!]
No studies, homework or class-time will be required.
[Whew! I'd hate to have to exercise any part of my brain for a college degree.]

INTERESTED APPLICANTS PLEASE CALL:
Area Code:602 Phone:[removed]

Regards;

Robert Merchant
Educational Consultant
eAdult Education

The only degree one can earn from this outfit is B.S. in con artistry.